Chillin Like A Good Little Villain

Dear Dilettante,

I am just outside, studying for a lab exam over chordates and what not, relaxing drinking grape soda, and having a smoke. My parents are still gone for the week and will not be back until the end. I really cannot wait until I leave for New York in the fall. I hope the transition goes smoothly.

My deposit has been paid. All I have left to do is score well on my finals and then send my transcript in for credit review.

I often wonder about why I have so many doubts in myself. Why do I have so many insecurities? How can so many people be comfortable with who they are and what direction they want to take in Life?

Do I feel this discomfort because I am not doing what I am called to do? How will I know what I am called to do? Does it just feel perfect, and there is no real explanation, because you just know?

Questions Questions Questions.

I really hope that I uncover these answers.

I want to leave a lasting impression on this Earth. I want to make a big impact, but just because I want to do that, does not meant that is my true calling.

So how does one come about finding their calling? I guess if it was really that easy, people would have no problem making decisions in their lives.

Anyway, I am feeling good today. I am a little tired, but in good spirits. I had a long conversation with my best friend the other night. We talked mostly about the past. You know -- Fun stuff like that.

Hmm... I really do not know what to talk about. I know I have not written everyday, but I tried to. I mostly write, or at least I think, in the middle of the night.  You know-- when those wondering thoughts like to float in your head.

I guess, I just want to know that I am doing the right thing. That I am heading in the right direction. I sometimes feel as if I am walking through a dark tunnel with no light signifying the exit. Where is the speck of light that is supposed to give me hope that I am near the end? Where is the speck of light that is supposed to guide me?

Maybe I am looking too hard. Maybe I need to just walk and have faith. I really do not know at this point. I guess I really do not even know what I really  want. I hate the feeling of not having actions to support my words. I just feel as though I am at a standstill. However, nobody can stand remain stagnant for very long. Eventually, I will understand where I want to be. I think this task, just comes easier to others.

I think that is all I want to say.