Needing A Glass of Strength

Dear Dilettante,


I am not feeling well. I have been feeling really down lately. I feel really tired. I have not been doing a lot today, except for thinking, sleeping, and reading.


I went outside for about ten minutes, just because I was asked to.


My mother said everything is going to be okay with the admissions, but who really knows.


Sometimes my family say one thing and everything goes another way.


I really hope so.


I will keep faith that everything will be fine.


I am just not up to writing today.


Like I said, I do not feel well.


I have not been the nicest of sisters today either.


I will try harder tomorrow to be super nice. It will just be me and them next week.


I just get so down sometimes. My little sisters try to stay away when I get like that, but one way or another I end up fussing with them. The slightest thing can set me off sometimes. I do not yell at them, I just tell them they need to leave me alone because I am aggravated or I just tell them everything they are doing wrong.


When I tucked them into bed, I can see their sad little eyes looking at me. I am usually fun and always trying to get them to do something. Today is just not my day, and I made it not their day either. Which is so unfair of me to do.


I will make it up tomorrow.


I will be the best tomorrow.


We will do what they want tomorrow.


Everything will be better tomorrow.


It is a new day.

Taking A Hint

Dear Dilettante,

Don't you hate it when you do not want to talk to people, yet they all want to gravitate toward you. Then when you try to give them signals that you are really not up to conversing they never get the hint. Then you are stuck in this obligation.

That is happening right now. Good thing I am sitting against the wall and he is on the otherside looking at his phone.

Class is going to start shortly. So I might as well be nice and stay. Maybe he needs to talk more than I do. I'll let him destress or whatever the case might.

What the fucking hell, he came over here and looked at my screen. WAHAHAHHAAHAHAAHH

I wonder if he read this. Maybe he got the hint now.

Oh well. I was not being mean or anything. I even said I did not feel like talking.

I guess never caught my drift. But, I krumped away and my class is about to start.

On another note. I want to delete that post about my parents so bad. I feel really guilty. They support me 100% in going to this school. I even found out I got accepted at the other school that I was bitching about their lack of help. They support my not wanting to go there either.

SO! I am off to lovely, snowy, cold, and Cozy Oswego. I am not sure if I want to post my school on here.

People I write about will definitely have their names changed or identity kept confidential. As for places, I have not decided yet.

I think I am going to put that post of what I said on private. I was dead wrong. So I will.

What In The WORLD!!!!

Dear Dilettante,


This guy sitting next to me, at this very moment smells like burnt ASS. I am not even kidding. My nose is burning, I have now developed a headache.


He's over here sitting all nonchalant, like nothing is happening, nothings wrong is his world. Maybe he has been working all day or whatever the case might be, but he killin my senses.


I was eating popcorn, but I could not open my mouth while he here!!!!!!! My nose is not even getting used to the smell and my stomach is hurting. His armpit is up and his leg is up, he's just stankin up the place. I cannot handle.


I know the other girl and boy smell him.


They have too, but he's closer to meeee ahahhahahhahaahhahahaah I cannot take it!!!!!!


I am about to move. This is getting to much to handle. I'm going to go outside or some shit. finish my movie there or somewhere.


Dude needs to quit moving, because it likes reintroduces the smell.  WHAT THE HELL HE'S TAKING OFF HIS SHOES NOW!!!!!!!!!! WHO DOES THAT???? WHO DOES THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!


seriously,


(>_<) (O_O)


I need to go, because I need to move.


later.

Releif and Stupidity/Guilt

Dear Dilettante,

I had a good unexpected conversation with my mother. I will be going to the school if it is what I choose. She said that I get to make the decision. The other school that I was waiting on, that I wanted to take Korean at, is becoming more and more of what I do not want. Every time I make contact with them, I am always put in a bad mood, because they do not help me. I do not know how many times I have called and reworded my question or sent them materials that they wanted. However, nothing is working. If it is this hard trying to get a simple think fixed, how hard will it be for me to get assistance if I need something, when I am there. I would rather go to a school that has been there for me, and I am not even there yet. They are really nice and helpful, they make me feel very welcomed. I love it. Plus, someone who has inspired me a lot has gone there.

Like Mother said, "the choice is obvious".

I feel so guilty and stupid for going on that rampaging rant yesterday. It was uncalled for. I definitely want to throw that part of my personality away. I do not want to expect the worst anymore. I always want to see the best option..

My brain needs serious rewiring.

I am going to crochet with my little sisters now, I will come back later and write.

Rethinking

Dear Dilettante,

Sometimes I can be a real BRAT!

I am not even kidding. I forget about other people's perspectives, and after a while, maybe I can see their way. I feel as if my last post showed that side of me.

I do not know what my parents are thinking, so why should I jump to conclusions and think the worst.

This is one of the problems that I want to fix.

I do this ALL THE TIME! Why do I constantly think that someone is doing something with evil intentions? I do not understand it.

Sometimes, I will create this entire story of how this person is purposefully doing something or whatever the case might be. Then, it turns out I am totally wrong.

Actually I do think I understand why I do it.
I think it may be, because people take advantage of my kindness sometimes. I am willing to give anybody a chance. I belive in forgivness if someone does something wrong and I understand bad habits are hard to break. As long as I see you trying, I will continue to forgive when you mess up. But, once I feel as if you are playing a manipulative game with me, you are dead to me. Non existent. I do not have time for that mess, and it is a one player game. I do not feed manipulative people's evil desire for happiness by hurting others. They are nothing but overgrown and outdated bullies.
So, you know what!

I am not going to assume that my parents do not want me to go to this school, because I think that it is obvious to them that I do. I need to show patience. I need to look around me and understand the situation. I am not in their head, and they cannot read mine. Well, unless they come here, but until that day comes. I have no right to force thoughts upon them.

Let's just call my last post an immature moment and move on.

The problem I think with my parents and I is lack of communication.

Until I actually say something, I should not have the right to come here and bitch about how unfair they are being, if I have not even discussed anything with them.

I have class again soon. This might be my last post for today. I think that would make three. Yeah, I do not want to live on here. Even though the Internet is pretty roomy. (^_^)

P.S. I fixed the problem with the typing in Japanese aahahhahah OMG finally everything is all done and fixed. I'm happy.

Fear (Not)

Dear Dilettante,

I have many fears. Most short-term and few long-term.

Right now, I am nervous and scared. My parents may not let me go out of state for college.

I just got my acceptance and  they were not even really excited when I told them the GREAT NEWS!

The other schools I applied to are sending the acceptances late. But, I really want to go to this one. I feel as if they place their priorities over what I would like to do. Even though my situation has nothing to do with them, they find some excuse.

If I do not go to the school, I am going to be very upset. Very very upset. I might just break down.

I feel like they limit me sometimes. I wish sometimes: why do they not encourage me, why do they want to hold me back.

I am so sick and tired of watching things go by. I want to have a voice. My own and not theirs.

I have to keep faith. The deposit is not due until May 1st. (Saturday)

I really want to go to this school. One of the people who influenced me growing up went to the same school too.

It is not like it is some big shot, expensive school. It is a small school, that is respected and has everything that I want academically.

If I do not go to the school, I could never apply for the major that I want there again, because of their requirements.

Anyway, my parents have been quiet about the situation. That sometimes makes me scared that they are trying to blow something under the rug. Hoping that I will not say anything.

I will though.

I really want this.

This is my life, not theirs.

I will discuss more later.

I am really upset. My chest is hurting. I do not want to have a panic attack in school.

Why do they not support me?

I do not understand. I feel as if they do not want what is best for me. But, that's a whole new topic.

I do not want to talk about it now, I have no courage or strength to.

I know:

I am a ~Coward~

One of these days I will grow some muscles and be strong.

I have faith.

I will always keep believing and hoping and visualizing myself at the college.

I know they will see my way. I know they will understand my desire and my dreams.

This is my life. I say what happens. I materialize what I want to happen.

Nobody else.

No more negative. Positive thoughts will begin their flow into my body.

Thinking of attending the college makes me happy.  I mean, I worked really hard this year.

The school is competitive.

1. It is a small school - so transfer space is limited
2. You can only be accepted to the program I applied for if you have at least 2 years left and a great GPA
3. My major is one of the more popular schools.

Think of all the applicants who applied and got rejected. I got in!! I feel so thankful. God is on my side. He has always been.

I CANNOT WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The possibility of not being able to go, over a stupid reason would just crush my soul. I will not stand for it. I cannot stand for it.

As of right now, that possibility does not exist in my world. I choose what the outcome of my life will be. Not others. They are not me. They do not live my life. They have their own to live. I refuse to be negative.

On the other hand, I could be over dramatic. Maybe I am totally wrong about the vibes that I am getting. I pray that I am.

I am proud. I am positive and I will find my happiness.

I say my happiness, because everyone has a different kind of happiness. My happiness will not be the same as yours. Going to a tiny school in the North, may not seem like happiness to you, but it does to me.

Understand?

Different things bring beauty in each person's life. We all come from a different perspective. Each perspective has its own correlating positive energy that brings happiness into people's lives.

I have to go to class now.

Everything will be alright. I think I may be over thinking the situation. (^_^) More than likely. I think I am just nervous because the deposit is due this week and I got my acceptance letter last week due to someone misprinting my zip code..WTF?!

Oh well, it is here now. I need to send it in. I think I will do it electronically. (^_^)

What BUGS???

Dear Dilettante,

Yesterday, I restarted my computer after uninstalling AIM, trying to make room for Limewire.

I wanted to update it to the 5.83, .86 version, or whatever the case might be. The popups telling me to upgrade were just getting annoying, so I might as well do it.

You know...I thought I was making a smart decision. I hardly use AIM anymore, so why have it on here [the computer]. It was taking up a little bit of room. So...why not delete the bitch off?

Everything was going fine and normal.

 Regular black screen.
 Regular slow loading signal.
Regular identification/password box.

I type my in my super not so secret password.

Thinking everythings is going to be fine and dandy.

Then a box pops us saying a bunch of gibberish over who know what.

It was something about something with my password being recognized but not recognized at the same time.

So I was like, "Okay...".

Interestingly enough, the computer did not even ask me if I was fine with whatever was going on, it just kept doing what it wanted to do.

First the screen went totally black, and gradually turned to blue. It stayed there fore about two minutes. Then it started RELOADING everything.

AND WHEN I SAY EVERYTHING, I MEAN EVERYTHING.

Internet
Microsoft Word
And and a bunch of other booboo crap that made me want to slap a donkey for being such a Jack Ass.

All my settings had to be changed.
Everything was completely different.
It was like the computer rebooted into a completely different electronic device.

Good thing it saved my files, I was so happy that those were not thrown away with all my previous settings.

I have no idea what the hell it was doing.

So, I spent a majority of last night switching my the settings back.

First everything was in Japanese. I had to switch them back to English with many unsuccessful attempts. For some reason, everytime I confirmed the switch of language, it would default back to Japanese. I had to change some codec things or what not. I am suprised I got a lot of it fixed by myself. But I was lookin like an angry woman doing it.. HAHAHAHAHA

Second, my Limewire would not download while it was updating.

Something like something about the installation being corrupt. I spent like two hours trying to fix that crap, and it still would not fix. Even this morning I was fussing with it. Finally I decided to download an old version of Limewire -- So I guess that is fine now.

Then I had a problem with the date and time button. Of course by this time I am mad as hell. I couldn't get it off of Japanese setting!!!!! Eventually I got that. I also had to reopen and change the settings of my Word Processor stuff to English. Everything is making me write in Japanese too. It is all so time consuming.

Lastly, when my song form the old version of Limewire finally downloaded, after taking its sweet ass time. I stick my ipod into the computer. AND IT IS CANNOT BE IDENTIFIED!!!!!!!!!!!

What in the freaking world is up with this shit! I want to put just one song on my ipod, JUST ONE! But, no it cannot be done. I am in the process of re downloading or updating Itunes. I do not understand what my computer did.

Maybe this is a sign.

I wrote that long-ass post previously about starting anew. Maybe my computer decided it wanted to do it or maybe it is telling me that it is time to start the change now.

I dunno. I'm really just annoyed. I checked for any bugs yesterday while I slept, running Malware or whatever that program is. It only found one. I will get all my settings fixed by tonight hopefully and then I will recheck for bugs.

Hopefully this crap will not happen again. I can hardly handle the mess and the ridiculous amount of time I spent/wasted over rebooting and reestablishing everything.

My computer is running so slow from this Itune downloading, lagging like a damn sloth.

(>_<)

But, then again It could be worse. I could have lost all my documents and pictures and what not. Or worse my entire computer could have shut down and crashed.

Thank Goodness!

I know I will quash (crush) this misfortune and come out victorious!

Let me end this post, because there is something more serious that I want to talk about in the next post. I am trying to make sure I do make the post so long, because I know it makes reading difficult. I am not trying to write a novel, even though I thought about it several times.

I never realize how much I write, because I get so into transcribing my thoughts, I just forget. By the time I realize it, three or four pages have gone by.

Damn. (^_^)

P.S. All Fixed (^_^) Ipod is working, writing is in English. Everything is Re- Installed. Just like new.

Breaking the Habit/Self-Help???

Dear Dilettante,

I posted the picture above for all you Linkin Park lovers. (^_^) AHHAHAHA. When I wrote the Title, the song popped in my head.

But seriously, this entry is about setting goals. What is it that I want to accomplish?!

 According to several web pages - credible or not, who knows with information these days- it takes approximately 90 days to break a habit and create new ones.

I know I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish this summer, but I mainly want to grow into me. Figure out who I am and what my purpose is. I don't know about other people, but I often find myself feeling restless, as if I am behind in life and running out of time.

Does anybody else feel that way?

I know I can't be the only one.

The thought of not having a clue or thought as to what I actually really want out of life makes me very sad. Sometimes lonely and very irritated. I do not like that feeling. I do not know anybody who would. I guess attention seekers like it, because then they have something to whine and cry about to get more attention.

But, anyway, I want to feel like the confident and positive person that people see me as. I do not know how many times people have told me that it always looks like I know what I am doing and how I seem to know the right thing to say, but in reality I AM FREAKING CLUELESS!

 Hahahahahahah. I am laughing, because I do not know how they see me in that image. But, then again, either I am a very good actress or I just carry myself well in public. Good thing people are not mind readers, because they would be lost in mine. AHAHAHHAHAH

I probably carry myself well in public, because I hate the feeling of disappointment. I do not like people looking down on me, or feel burdened by my presence. I want to uplift people. I want to inspire people. I want to be there for someone if they need help. I believe that is part of being human. It is necessary for us to help one another, no matter the circumstances or the hatred you may feel in your heart. Does that make sense??

I guess I will leave that discussing for another date.

But seriously, I want to feel happy or content. I want to feel as if I am walking on the right path, without a third leg to keep my steady (no offense to any person who actually has a third leg). I guess what I am trying to say, is that I want to feel inner peace. That is my main journey. To feel a calmness inside myself, throw away anxiety, throw away most of the stress and conflict, and throw away the rushing of time.

I want to do things when I want to do them, when I please, as I please, no limitations. I want to breath on my own time. Patience is what I am looking for. I do not want to be a quisling (traitor) to own happiness. To myself. I'm tired of the box, it is time I step out. It is time I am more assertive. It is my time to feel the freedom. To feel the sun hit my skin. To breath in the cool energetic air.

As for Self Help. I do not know how many self help books I have read. I have been to many websites-- I do not know. Maybe I have not found the right motivation to fulfill what these books are telling me or maybe I need alternative help. There are many people whose job it is to help people with organization and creating stability. Maybe I should seek that out. At least, I would not have to feel confused when I am stuck. I will have someone guiding me. Bounce ideas off of. Find out the root of the problem. See from a different perspective. Develop and understanding of what I really want or looking for. (^_^)

 I think it is very important that I stay away from things that I think I need but are not necessary. I do not want to fall back into the same damaging pattern. Having negative thoughts is someone what of an addiction. I am not saying that I think negative thoughts all the time, because I do not. At least I do not think so. I feel as if I am an optimistic person and I set many goals. It is the staying focused and not getting intimidated while on my journey that I end up coming up short.

That's the problem. I feel as if I come up short all the time. I put in a lot of effort or maybe work is a better word. However, I never get the entire result complete. I mess up some how. Whether it be slightly or by a lot. I am sick of it. I hate the disappointment. I hate the feeling that I could have tried harder, but why did I not at the time.

The uselessness or the time wasted is what bothers me and keeps me up late.

That is why I want to make a change. I do not want to feel as if I am coming up short anymore. I want to pay in full and receive the feeling of accomplishment in full. Now, I am not saying that I want success all the time. I understand failure happens. I just want to have the feeling of being content with the effort that I put in. I want to feel that when I do something, I put in the best effort that I could possibly do. Then no matter how I look at the situation, I would know that I did the right things or at least tried to.

Understand?

Who knows?????? GRRRRRRRR..... it's so stressful. I'll figure it out.  Like I said this summer is about my growth. Finding that peace.

I know the list is repetitive and weird, but I will fix it later. I will also cross off things when I accomplish them.

Habits to Break

• Less Distraction
• Less Anxiety
• Unorganized Environment

Habits to Start

• Feel more motivated
• More self-disciplined 
• More organization / Stability
• Strengthen my Japanese
• Read at least 2 books a Month (Goal 8 books this summer)
• Find Inner Peace
• More confident
• Learn a new word every day
• Develop an understanding of my purpose
• Finish what I start!!!!!

I know this is all boring and what not, but like I 've said previously: this is for my growth. If it helps you along the way, I am delighted. Tell me about it maybe we can walk the path together.

I will also keep up with this, seriously this time, no joke. AHHAHAHAH. I will. It is a test to my self-discipline.

I want this change in my life so much. I am very determined to reach it. If funny things, drama, break downs, or whatever other events that may happen along the way, I will have to report it here I guess.

Whoa!!! Did not think I was going to write so much. I feel better though. I feel a little calmer now that I have all of these thoughts out. I know that when I look back at this at the end of the summer, I can only be amazed at my growth. I will be stronger, because I will know that I am capable of much more than what I may think right at this moment.

This is officially my journal.

P.S. There are a lot of typos. Oh, well... I am no the best writer, but I will fix them as I go.

I have also been listening to Shontelle - Impossible for the past couple of hours non-stop. AHAHAHAHAH. I'm loving this song. 

OH WHAT THE HELL!!! I DID NOT KNOW THERE WAS A SPELL CHECK BUTTON HERE! I HAVE BEEN CHECKING WITH DICTIONARY.COM

Looking For A Stopper

Dear Dil·et·tante,

Once again I have failed.

My goal of becoming more self-disciplined and organized was not met. I know I promised to write every day and all this other blah blah blah. But, life got in the way or maybe it was laziness, lack of focus, or something else along those lines.

But, the good thing about failure is you learn from it. I hope I have, and so I am going to begin my quest again.

Summer is only about two weeks away for me, maybe a little more- but at the same time not really. I only have about six more days of classes but over a span of the weeks.

Eenny-Who! Summer is the time to shake off old habits, and create a new you. It is a time of exploring and discovering who you are. It is a time for planting new seeds, watering them, nurturing them, talking, dancing, singing, bee-pop, hip hop, or whatever the case might be to them. Hopefully by fall they will be ready for harvest- full of potential and success.

This is what I intend on doing. I have a lot in store for the summer. A lot of habits I want to break and new ones I want to form. I have a lot of growing up and being more Independent. Getting ready to shed my skin and be a butterfly!

Yea, I know the metaphors or analogies need to quit, but this is how I feel. I'm excited about the summer and what I will become at the end.