Dear Dilettante,
I posted the picture above for all you Linkin Park lovers. (^_^) AHHAHAHA. When I wrote the Title, the song popped in my head.
But seriously, this entry is about setting goals. What is it that I want to accomplish?!
According to several web pages - credible or not, who knows with information these days- it takes approximately 90 days to break a habit and create new ones.
I know I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish this summer, but I mainly want to grow into me. Figure out who I am and what my purpose is. I don't know about other people, but I often find myself feeling restless, as if I am behind in life and running out of time.
Does anybody else feel that way?
I know I can't be the only one.
The thought of not having a clue or thought as to what I actually really want out of life makes me very sad. Sometimes lonely and very irritated. I do not like that feeling. I do not know anybody who would. I guess attention seekers like it, because then they have something to whine and cry about to get more attention.
Hahahahahahah. I am laughing, because I do not know how they see me in that image. But, then again, either I am a very good actress or I just carry myself well in public. Good thing people are not mind readers, because they would be lost in mine. AHAHAHHAHAH
I probably carry myself well in public, because I hate the feeling of disappointment. I do not like people looking down on me, or feel burdened by my presence. I want to uplift people. I want to inspire people. I want to be there for someone if they need help. I believe that is part of being human. It is necessary for us to help one another, no matter the circumstances or the hatred you may feel in your heart. Does that make sense??
I guess I will leave that discussing for another date.
But seriously, I want to feel happy or content. I want to feel as if I am walking on the right path, without a third leg to keep my steady (no offense to any person who actually has a third leg). I guess what I am trying to say, is that I want to feel inner peace. That is my main journey. To feel a calmness inside myself, throw away anxiety, throw away most of the stress and conflict, and throw away the rushing of time.
I want to do things when I want to do them, when I please, as I please, no limitations. I want to breath on my own time. Patience is what I am looking for. I do not want to be a quisling (traitor) to own happiness. To myself. I'm tired of the box, it is time I step out. It is time I am more assertive. It is my time to feel the freedom. To feel the sun hit my skin. To breath in the cool energetic air.
As for Self Help. I do not know how many self help books I have read. I have been to many websites-- I do not know. Maybe I have not found the right motivation to fulfill what these books are telling me or maybe I need alternative help. There are many people whose job it is to help people with organization and creating stability. Maybe I should seek that out. At least, I would not have to feel confused when I am stuck. I will have someone guiding me. Bounce ideas off of. Find out the root of the problem. See from a different perspective. Develop and understanding of what I really want or looking for. (^_^)
I think it is very important that I stay away from things that I think I need but are not necessary. I do not want to fall back into the same damaging pattern. Having negative thoughts is someone what of an addiction. I am not saying that I think negative thoughts all the time, because I do not. At least I do not think so. I feel as if I am an optimistic person and I set many goals. It is the staying focused and not getting intimidated while on my journey that I end up coming up short.
That's the problem. I feel as if I come up short all the time. I put in a lot of effort or maybe work is a better word. However, I never get the entire result complete. I mess up some how. Whether it be slightly or by a lot. I am sick of it. I hate the disappointment. I hate the feeling that I could have tried harder, but why did I not at the time.
The uselessness or the time wasted is what bothers me and keeps me up late.
That is why I want to make a change. I do not want to feel as if I am coming up short anymore. I want to pay in full and receive the feeling of accomplishment in full. Now, I am not saying that I want success all the time. I understand failure happens. I just want to have the feeling of being content with the effort that I put in. I want to feel that when I do something, I put in the best effort that I could possibly do. Then no matter how I look at the situation, I would know that I did the right things or at least tried to.
Understand?
Who knows?????? GRRRRRRRR..... it's so stressful. I'll figure it out. Like I said this summer is about my growth. Finding that peace.
I know the list is repetitive and weird, but I will fix it later. I will also cross off things when I accomplish them.
Habits to Break
- Less Distraction
- Less Anxiety
- Unorganized Environment
Habits to Start
- Feel more motivated
- More self-disciplined
- More organization / Stability
- Strengthen my Japanese
- Read at least 2 books a Month (Goal 8 books this summer)
- Find Inner Peace
- More confident
- Learn a new word every day
- Develop an understanding of my purpose
- Finish what I start!!!!!
I know this is all boring and what not, but like I 've said previously: this is for my growth. If it helps you along the way, I am delighted. Tell me about it maybe we can walk the path together.
I will also keep up with this, seriously this time, no joke. AHHAHAHAH. I will. It is a test to my self-discipline.
I want this change in my life so much. I am very determined to reach it. If funny things, drama, break downs, or whatever other events that may happen along the way, I will have to report it here I guess.
Whoa!!! Did not think I was going to write so much. I feel better though. I feel a little calmer now that I have all of these thoughts out. I know that when I look back at this at the end of the summer, I can only be amazed at my growth. I will be stronger, because I will know that I am capable of much more than what I may think right at this moment.
This is officially my journal.
P.S. There are a lot of typos. Oh, well... I am no the best writer, but I will fix them as I go.
I have also been listening to Shontelle - Impossible for the past couple of hours non-stop. AHAHAHAHAH. I'm loving this song.
OH WHAT THE HELL!!! I DID NOT KNOW THERE WAS A SPELL CHECK BUTTON HERE! I HAVE BEEN CHECKING WITH DICTIONARY.COM
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