Fear (Not)

Dear Dilettante,

I have many fears. Most short-term and few long-term.

Right now, I am nervous and scared. My parents may not let me go out of state for college.

I just got my acceptance and  they were not even really excited when I told them the GREAT NEWS!

The other schools I applied to are sending the acceptances late. But, I really want to go to this one. I feel as if they place their priorities over what I would like to do. Even though my situation has nothing to do with them, they find some excuse.

If I do not go to the school, I am going to be very upset. Very very upset. I might just break down.

I feel like they limit me sometimes. I wish sometimes: why do they not encourage me, why do they want to hold me back.

I am so sick and tired of watching things go by. I want to have a voice. My own and not theirs.

I have to keep faith. The deposit is not due until May 1st. (Saturday)

I really want to go to this school. One of the people who influenced me growing up went to the same school too.

It is not like it is some big shot, expensive school. It is a small school, that is respected and has everything that I want academically.

If I do not go to the school, I could never apply for the major that I want there again, because of their requirements.

Anyway, my parents have been quiet about the situation. That sometimes makes me scared that they are trying to blow something under the rug. Hoping that I will not say anything.

I will though.

I really want this.

This is my life, not theirs.

I will discuss more later.

I am really upset. My chest is hurting. I do not want to have a panic attack in school.

Why do they not support me?

I do not understand. I feel as if they do not want what is best for me. But, that's a whole new topic.

I do not want to talk about it now, I have no courage or strength to.

I know:

I am a ~Coward~

One of these days I will grow some muscles and be strong.

I have faith.

I will always keep believing and hoping and visualizing myself at the college.

I know they will see my way. I know they will understand my desire and my dreams.

This is my life. I say what happens. I materialize what I want to happen.

Nobody else.

No more negative. Positive thoughts will begin their flow into my body.

Thinking of attending the college makes me happy.  I mean, I worked really hard this year.

The school is competitive.

1. It is a small school - so transfer space is limited
2. You can only be accepted to the program I applied for if you have at least 2 years left and a great GPA
3. My major is one of the more popular schools.

Think of all the applicants who applied and got rejected. I got in!! I feel so thankful. God is on my side. He has always been.

I CANNOT WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The possibility of not being able to go, over a stupid reason would just crush my soul. I will not stand for it. I cannot stand for it.

As of right now, that possibility does not exist in my world. I choose what the outcome of my life will be. Not others. They are not me. They do not live my life. They have their own to live. I refuse to be negative.

On the other hand, I could be over dramatic. Maybe I am totally wrong about the vibes that I am getting. I pray that I am.

I am proud. I am positive and I will find my happiness.

I say my happiness, because everyone has a different kind of happiness. My happiness will not be the same as yours. Going to a tiny school in the North, may not seem like happiness to you, but it does to me.

Understand?

Different things bring beauty in each person's life. We all come from a different perspective. Each perspective has its own correlating positive energy that brings happiness into people's lives.

I have to go to class now.

Everything will be alright. I think I may be over thinking the situation. (^_^) More than likely. I think I am just nervous because the deposit is due this week and I got my acceptance letter last week due to someone misprinting my zip code..WTF?!

Oh well, it is here now. I need to send it in. I think I will do it electronically. (^_^)